Nickname: Wayne, The Caretaker

Secret identity: Eric Hall

Preferred position: Up their centre-forward’s arse

Actual position: Trying to get up their centre-forward’s arse

First season: 1993-4

First tour: Lisbon 2000

Why the Kenchels? Turned down by Wormwood Scrubs XI

Best Chels moment: Managing to play a full 90 minutes – even though the ref red-carded him halfway through – thanks to his highly developed negotiation skills (as in “I’ll bite your feckin’ dog, you blind c**t!”)

Worst Chels moment: Room-sharing with Tom Taw in Lisbon and getting a full frontal of his rectal passage, obscured only by a huge bung of Vaseline!

Pre match ritual(s): Bait Den a bit; pull shorts up to cover man-breasts and expose testicles; listen to EP’s pre-match talk intently, whilst nodding profusely, and then explain to fullbacks how the defence will really play.

After match ritual(s): Bait Den a bit; pull shorts up to cover man-breasts and expose testicles; sit with head hung reflecting on successful verbal haranguing of ref, unfortunate back-pass incident, rather sore and muddy testicles (owing to exposure) or recurring image of Tom’s rectal passage.

Most likely to say: “Problem?”

Least likely to say: “Steve, shut up and listen to EP’s half-time talk, will yer?”

Ambition: To play a match where, following an own-goal hat-trick by Stevie B, he nods the winning goal after kicking half of the opposition into submission.