Nickname: Tom B

Preferred position: Anywhere but in goal!

Actual position: A very quiet one, running all over the place, usually right midfield

First season: 2000-01

First tour: Rio, 2012

Why the Kenchels? Beggars can’t be choosers

Best Chels moment: Lots to choose from but beating BA is up there as a biggie

Worst Chels moment: Hearing Kings’ Head Dave’s achilles snap as he sprinted after the ball

Pre match ritual: Listening to extracts from the El Tel Joke Book

After match ritual: Not sure if it’s a ritual but Greengazza’s recent post-match champagne in the dressing room felt like something we should repeat

Most likely to say: Very little really

Least likely to say: ‘Oi! Steve! Fecking wake up!’

Ambitions: To pay attention to what EP says to me on the pitch; to be like Tom Taw when I’m his age – old enough for a free bus pass but still playing like a 20-year-old. Unlikely I can emulate him in other ways, wink-wink, nudge-nudge