Nickname: El Tel
Secret identities: Colonel Saito (after games against the Japanese), Trinny and Susanah (don’t even go there) and a host of others…
Preferred position: Right-back
Actual position: Right-back, left-back, the Makelele…anywhere!
First season: Ask Statto
First tour: Portugeezers, Lisbon 2000
Why the Kenchels?: As Sir Edmund Hillary once remarked to his mate Sherpa Tensing: ‘I want to conquer Everest.’ ‘Why?’ inquired his chum. ‘Because, Sherps me old mate, it’s there!’ And that is why I joined the ‘Chels – to climb Everest.
Best Chels moment: When we pull together as a team and win against all the odds – like when we beat the British Embassy in Prague when they thought it was going to be a cake walk against a bunch of old men; like when we beat the arrogant bar stewards of BA; like the 5-1 humiliation of arch rivals Brentham; and like Wayne nearly getting arrested on the Prague underground system but being saved by his team mates crowding around and confusing the ticket inspector
Worst Chels moment: Tom Taw’s version of TV’s Changing Rooms, with his Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen-inspired redecoration of our hotel bathroom in Tallinn. Puce is not a colour, Tom
Pre-match ritual: Arriving first to find no one else there; panic attack – this is the right ground isn’t it?; sitting quietly, getting in ‘the zone’; rubbing myself with unguents in the vain hope they will help me play better; chuckling to myself over witty gags I’ve just thought up.
After match ritual: Going home to lie to Mrs B that we’ve won yet
again. She thinks we’re unbeaten for the past six years
Most likely to say: Anything witty (Matter of opinion, that – especially having read the rest of the profile. Zzzzzzz. Ed)
Least likely to say: I’ll have a pint of real ale
Ambition: To produce and star in a new Reality TV show called I’m a Right Back: Get me out of Ear in which a group of would-be Right Backs are imprisoned in a giant plastic ear and have to be ejected if they fail a particular test associated with right-back play.
One test for example would be The Push Fucka Trial where each right-back in turn has to push a nippy little winger to the floor without being seen by a referee.
At the climax obviously only one Right Back would be left in the ear and he (or she) would be rewarded by being handed the ‘Chels’ Number Two shirt for the forthcoming season.
I envision the show being hosted by popular entertainers Kant and Shrek giving a mixture of pure reason and pathos to what is undoubtedly going to be a BAFTA-nominated show.
The giant ear, designed by Sir Norman Foster and modelled on Wayne Rooney’s right lug’ole, has already been constructed and is currently in a secret location in North London. Invites to join the show have been sent to Dot Den, Tom Taw, Gary Neville and Ruby Wax.
