Nicknames: EP, short for El Presidente. Also known as Moorinho and, to those trying to ingratiate themselves with duh management, Bosso. Bleugh!
Secret identity: Statto
Preferred position: Right-wing dictator
Actual position: Manager, skipper, tour organiser, club president, treasurer, ambassador, team psychotherapist, physio, dietician, director of football and plays anywhere you like, except ‘keeper.
First season: Ask Statto
First tour: Dublin, 1991
Why the Kenchels? Manifest destiny.
Best Chels moments: Anytime, anywhere as a ‘Chel; being awarded the Presidential suite on the Sarajevo tour in 2002; Stitching up Arif with spoof stats on the plane to Riga…
Worst Chels moments: Trying to instil tactical awareness amongst the rabble that passes for a team at half-time every Sunday. Actually that’s not right, they can’t feckin’ pass!
Pre match ritual(s): Translating Newbiwun into English, taking piss out of Stevie B, MBA Gav, El Tel, Arif et al; not letting Dotden pump the balls up; reflections on last night’s Match of the Day; spouting meaningless Kenchels trivia (ie it’s 250 games since Tom Taw’s false teeth flew out in that game against the Popes in 1883) and working out who to pull off at half-time.
After match rituals: Taking the piss – and match fees – out of Stevie B, MBA Gav, El Tel, Arif et al. Bemoaning Alex, Jake and/or Euan’s inability to play one-twos/track back/head the ball/use their left etc. Feigning disbelief as Newbiwun downs his third pint after five minutes. Putting smiley faces on the ‘availability for selection’ sheet.
Most likely to say: Arif, you were crap
Least likely to say: Arif, you’re the greatest ‘Chel of all time
Ambition: To be elected President for Life on the last day of the Kenchels’ Tour to Rio 2012, and be presented a complete Idi Amin type uniform with accompanying medals, sunglasses, brass buttons etc – instead of yet another feckin’ replica football shirt!
