Nickname: Oh COME ON!
Preferred position: Up a ladder slapping the emulsion on and pondering the existential nihilism of Dulux’s ‘Warm Apple’ white and the moral implications of gloss versus a satin finish
[Jake, it's either feckin' white or it isn't. EP]
Actual position: Sinewy, intellectual striker in the classical mould
First season: Paris in the Spring, a cliche perhaps but nevertheless a sublime and really quite beautiful…
[That's enough, Jake, have a lie-down. EP]
First tour: The Grand Tour, in the glorious footsteps of Byron and with my faithful valet
Why the Kenchels? The tour T-shirts!
Best Chels moments: Recovering the entire works of Proust on any tour anywhere, after my volume has been appropriated and hidden by the dreadful Mo and Arif
Worst Chels moments: Suffering the humiliation of Mo and Arif pinging paper tennis over my head as I vainly attempt to digest the entire works of Proust, read upside down – or almost as bad, discussing the artistic merits of Starship Troopers with the same pair of philistines…
Pre-match rituals: Browsing through a slim volume of Mallarmé while contemplating the ontological implications of Arsene Wenger’s substitutions in yesterday’s fixture
After-match rituals: Put on smoking jacket, settle into luxurious leather armchair with a small lager and some ancient greek footballing poetry, then a quick a telephone call to my stockbroker and get my man to massage my aching feet while I watch Les Enfants du Paradis…
Most likely to say: I say, referee! THAT SIMPLY ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH!
Least likely to say: Wa-hey, darlin’! Tits out for the lads?
Ambition: To study under Professor Wenger at the University of Arsenal, pick up the reins from EP and coach the ‘Chels into becoming masters of the beautiful game…
