Date of birth: 07/10/1961
Nickname: ‘Wiki’, because of my encyclopaedic knowledge of West Bromwich Albion or ‘Kaka’ in view of an appalling taste in footie boots – these are only ever used by Arif and Mo (the nicknames, not the boots). Most recently known as Crinkles, after an appalling disaster when I foolishly offered to wash the kit…
Preferred position: Striker or on the bench (but only if I can wear a wig)
Actual position: Left wing/midfield
First season: 2004-5
First tour: Riga, 2005
Why the Kenchels? It’s a fair question, officer. I want to speak to my brief first.
Best Chels moment: The salt-mine in Poland
Worst Chels moment: Eating scrambled egg and bacon before the first game in Riga
Pre-match ritual: Arriving as late as possible
After-match ritual: Chest wax
Most likely to say: Not guilty, m’lud. Those crinkles will wash out. I know my rights.
Least likely to say: I’ll do the kit
Ambition: To learn how to iron
