Nickname: Lefty – but also 2439774 aka “Mr Big” and several other aliases, including Wristy (see Worst ‘Chels Moments, below).
Preferred position: Left-wing
Actual position: D Wing
First season: 2004-5
First tour: Alcatraz
Why the Kenchels? Forced to join as part of my Community Service Order
Best Chels moment: Not getting stopped by the Feds at Boston Airport
Worst Chels moment: Being caught red-handed, so to speak, in the hotel bedroom in Riga with ‘Scandinavian Ass Beauties’ on the specialist channel – ‘I honestly thought it was a natural history programme, your honour.’
Pre-match ritual: First I slop out, then accompanied by two burly screws make the short trip in the secure minibus to the ground. Change out of my suit (I just love those arrows don’t you?) and into my kit. Try to warm up but the shackles on my ankles make it difficult to run.
After-match ritual: Handcuffs back on and off to Cell Block H
Most likely to say: Not guilty
Least likely to say: It’s a fair cop, Guv, it was me what done it.
Ambition: Still working on pulling off the ‘Big One’ – and to use my right foot one day.
Pen portrait: The world’s most one-sided Kenchel, Chris ‘Lefty’ Morgan, stunned fellow ‘Chels a few years back by heading North to find love and a new life in Birmingham of all places.
Of course, he did not take a direct route. Given his directional imbalance, Lefty crabbed his way to Brum via Cambridge, Peterborough, Leicester and Walsall. How ironic that he should find himself besotted with Miss Right…
It came as no surprise to those in the know to find him a-courting however, since he has a fair bit of court experience on both sides of the dock.
Going straight has always proved difficult for him. He would start out on the left for the Bibless Wonders of Twyford Sports Centre but, shortly after winning the ball, you could guarantee he’d be playing on the right.
As EP confided to me once: ‘That guy plays like he has two left feet. He’ll be twice as good as Stevie B.’
The contractual arrangements were quickly resolved (Lefty paid us in pints of Pride, consumed by EP and Newbods in copious amounts at the R&LP). Shortly afterwards, Lefty began his illustrious ‘Chels career.
He comes from a long line of left-wingers – his middle names ‘Vladimir Illich’ give a clue to his famous great-great-grandfather, a man renowned for his revolutionary approach to corner-kicks. Not surprisingly, Chris is also a member of the Red Army and worships fellow left-footer Ryan Giggs.
For a guy so one-sided, Lefty remains a remarkably balanced individual. Quiet, self-effacing and always willing to wander aimlessly around midfield, Chris is a true gentleman ‘Chel.
Dotden
