Nickname: Forrest, after Forrest Gump because I run and run and run and…
Secret identity: Charles Hawtrey
Preferred position: Centre-forward
Actual position: Right-wing
First season: 1994-95
First tour: Budapest, 1999
Why the Kenchels? Introduced by Wayne – haven’t looked back since (or sideways for the one-two!)
Best Chels moment: Walking out of the players’s tunnel onto the pitch at the Grbavica Stadium in Sarajevo, home of local team Zeljeznicar, on tour in 2002
Worst Chels moment(s): Sharing a room anywhere with Wayne on tour – oh, and my extended goal famine in 2006-7 during which I missed everything and briefly earned the sobriquet Banjo
Pre-match ritual: Pretending to understand EP’s tactical team talk
After-match ritual: Pretending to understand Newbod’s jokes in the bar – or anything he says at all really
Most likely to say: You’ve got to work harder, Gav
Least likely to say: You’ve got to work harder, Tom (B)
Ambition: Get to 300 goals before retirement
Pen portrait: Chaotic, dribbling (that’s actually dribbling, not dribbling) attacker, Alex is now getting used to the first half of a game. He used to turn up at Warren Farm with 10 minutes until half time and dump his treader behind the goal, shouting “Has anyone got my shirt?”
Alex is best known for confusing the hell out of his teammates when he takes a corner. He stands at the corner flag, both arms raised into the air, and never delivers the same ball twice. During one half-time team talk, Alex was asked what the two arms aloft actually meant. “Dunno” was the reply, “but I’ve seen Faustino Asprilla do it, so it must mean something tactical!”
Alex is a seasoned tourer. Having ‘bunked’ with Stevie B in Budapest, he quickly jumped to the wrong conclusion when, having been soaked while asleep at 4am one morning, dared to accuse his roommate. Wasn’t me, Alex!
Off the pitch he speaks Northern and Southern with the same fluency that Kevin Cigna’s England teams played, and he sinks pints of Guinness as though his name was Shamus O’Reilly.
A civil servant by trade, he is a tireless worker, gets to the by-line more times than their goalkeeper, will pass to anyone other than Jake, scores bucketloads of goals, and is a player in the true ‘Chels mould. We would not be complete without him.
Good Lad!
From the Pen of Stevie ‘Frustrated Midfield Dynamo’ B
