2011-12 Season

Double victory for ‘Chels? No, one victory. Two match reports!

Owing to a cockup in the Civil Service, this match report has been written twice, once by Old Alex and once by Dracs, thereby costing the taxpayer a small fortune. For the keeper’s eye view, please follow this link!

Imperial College may have been wearing imperial purple but it was the ‘Chels who put on an imperious performance yesterday to continue a start to the season that has been almost Newcastle-like in its consistency, on an altogether auspicious day in the club’s history.

This was the day when the club revealed its tribute to a manager who for 25 years has been, simply, Mr Kenchels. EP may still remain, for reasons best known to Her Majesty, plain old Mr Moore, but to the ‘Chels his achievements, both domestic and European, should have elevated him to at least a peerage by now.

Building one great side is one thing. Building several mediocre ones is something else. Tackling the endemic drinking culture. Knowing when a crowd favourite is no longer doing the business and shifting him on (Arif – that’s you). Getting out the hair dryer (courtesy of Tel) when needed…

So it was fitting that his loyal players and coaching staff were able to pay tribute by formally renaming the enclosure stand at Chiswick the El Presidente Memorial Stand. OK, it would have been fitting if his loyal players and coaching staff had paid tribute by formally renaming the enclosure stand at Chiswick the El Presidente Memorial Stand. In fact, they didn’t, because they couldn’t be arsed. But at least they talked about how they might have done in the bar afterwards.

Anyway, to the game itself. Imperial College are a handy side, with experience at the back and up front and young legs in the middle of the park. They started brightly. But we matched them well, with EP and Mo holding firm in midfield, Tom B and Wiki running strongly on the flanks and the defence, ably marshalled by Tony and Baywatch Dave, mopping up at the back.

Midway through the first half Kenchels took the lead thanks to a sumptuous ball from Stevie B which found Wiki on the left wing. His Wikiness still had plenty to do, but having cut inside he unleashed an unstoppable shot that nestled inside the post. One-nil to the ‘Chels.

The game remained tight, and towards the end of the half IC drew level in slightly controversial circumstances. IC moved the ball quickly down their right and Dave tackled their striker, who threw himself to the ground and looked appealingly at Wayne, who was reffing.

Wayne had already demonstrated his reffing skills when awarding a free kick on the grounds that the offending player was hugging the other, and took the opportunity to do a Marcel Marceau like mime of the incident, which was appreciated by players and supporters alike. On this occasion, he was convinced by the appeal – despite Steve’s strong opinion to the contrary – and pointed to the spot.

One-one. Kenchels heads might have dropped, but they didn’t. Just before half-time, Stevie B swung in a fine corner which caused chaos in the IC defence, allowing Mo to blast home from close range. So it was 2-1 at half-time, but we knew we were in a tough contest.

Phil (the new Alex) had already come on for the injured Mark up front. Corie (who had turned up by then) came on for Tom T, who reffed the second half, with Wayne dropping into defence, thus allowing Baywatch Dave to replace EP in midfield.

Corie and Phil began to make a difference, with Corie emphasising the importance of entertainment in the modern game by aiming an almighty hoof at the ball in an attempted clearance and spectacularly failing to connect. Phil (the new Alex) took a different approach, and started causing the IC defence real problems, winning the ball and driving forward with panache and vim, and within 15 minutes of the restart it was 3-1, Phil (the new Alex) winning the ball and playing it quickly to Alex (the old Alex) who returned the compliment, enabling Phil (the new Alex) to run on and calmly beat the keeper. Excellent stuff.

IC were still battling hard but with 15 minutes to go we put the game to bed. Stevie B – whose dead ball skills were proving more effective than his complaints to the ref – delivered a fine free-kick from the right which Phil (the new Alex) squared expertly to Alex (the old Alex), who buried it from all of a yard and a half. Final score – Kenchels 4, IC 1. The legend grows.

The Keeper’s eye-view report

Another perspective on victory from Dracs (aka Craig)

A strong defensive performance allowed the ‘chels forwards to get us back to winning ways with a 4-1 victory over Imperial. Early selection saw Corrie AWOL as usual and consigned to the bench (maybe he should become a keeper?).

Starting 4-4-2 saw Stevie B at left back, Baywatch and Tony in the centre and TT at right back. Ahead of them were Euan , EP, Month and Tom B with Mark and The Old Alex up front. Initial exchanges suggested IC had a trick No 19 up front and some decent midfielders including No 3 (The Oppo’s Alex).

However, there were few early chances, barring an IC free-kick from just outside the box which was expertly tipped over by yours truly (Not in Alex’s match report, Ed) . Our first real chance brought the opener from Euan. Set free by a lovely through ball by self confessed Mouth of the Match (MotM), Stevie B, Euan hit a low drive which beat their disappointed keeper at his near post.One-nil to the Chels. This spurred Imperial on and a period of sustained pressure ended with a mazy dribble from the No 19 which took him into the box past three defenders as he looked to set himself the ball span away but mastering a technique known in the game as “clever” he readjusted his sights kicked Baywatch and went over.

From where he saw the incident Ref Wayne had little choice but to blow for a pen but only the early Michael Owen (or Frannie Lee for TT) would have been proud of 19′s performance and the decision was hotly disputed by MotM and Baywatch (at some risk to the latter’s children). This season I have adopted a penalty policy (Wayne & MotM ensure I get regular practice over the season) of going right if the taker is right-footed and left if they are touched by Satan unless I have strong alternative indications from the run up.

The college’s right-footed centre-back looked like he was taking a fairly straight run up suggesting he might try and place it to my left but given he had just hoofed everything so far I figured he’d end up blasting it and went right – wrong. One-all.

Mark then went off after feeling a bit poofy and was replaced up front by Phil – The New Alex. That seemed like it would be it until half time but when their keeper eccentrically kicked a routine shot for a corner the ‘chels capitalised.

A near post ball from MotM caused confusion between the goalie and defender and as the ball was headed up in the air Month pounced to volley in from close-range.

Over to EP at half-time and a reorganisation that would secure us the game. Switching to 3-5-2 the namesake of the EP Stand (shame about the paint job) moved Baywatch into midfield thereby denying him opportunity to attempt own goals but also denying the oppo’s Alex the chance to influence the game as he had first half.

Corrie came on for Tony at centre half, Wayne for TT at right back and Nobody for EP. It soon became clear that this (coupled with the No 19′s move to right half) would be decisive for the outcome. Imperial’s only threat now was from the occasional dribble to the edge of our box and about 15 mins a quickfire double from our Alexes old and new settled the outcome.

TNA did well to win the ball on halfway and a swift 1-2 with Oldie put him away for a comfortable finish past an exposed keeper. Shortly after a low cross from Newie left TOA with a tap in. 4-1 game over. Tony and Mark returned for Tom B and TOA producing a reshuffle that put Corrie at left back and MotM at left half but by now Stevie B had lost interest in taking out the No 19 and the anticipated fireworks never took off.

Instead MotM turned his ire on Wayne who nudge a back pass towards me from inside the six-yard box rather than wellying it (Note to self: Go back to shouting “away!”). The remaining entertainment came from Corrie who all but expired after dribbling to the half-way line and then practised his driving with a complete “airshot” of a clearance.

A couple of late chances saw me holding a low drive from 12 yards at my near post and parrying a van Persistence volley (Note to EP: Positioning is part of the skill of a custodian – luck has nothing to do with it!). So 4-1 to the ‘chels and job well done.

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