2011-12 Season

Eye, eye…’Chels see their way to victory!

Manchester City turned over their great rivals this afternoon with a 6-1 drubbing at Old Trafford. In the final minutes the City fans were chanting “easy easy”.

But – as they steal all the best crowd ideas such as “The Poznan” – they were merely ripping off the Kenchels crowd, who hours earlier saw their heroes gain a straightforward 2-0 win away at Old Salesians.

It looked like it was going to be our day right from the off when we began with a 4-4-2 line-up and started stroking the ball around with Old Salesians chasing shadows  ( not The Shadows – I know we’ve signed a lot of new players this season but Jet Harris and Hank Marvin weren’t amongst them).

Notwithstanding our superiority and our possession, we only scored one goal despite making several chances. Once or twice OS actually threatened us but not to the extent of stand-in keeper and TV celebrity Mike P actually having to do anything.

Our goal, when it came, was from a corner that Chelsea Dave met magnificently to power a header into the back of the net. At half-time, tactical genius EPinho decided to change not only personnel but also the formation to 3-5-2 as we had been allowing them to get a bit too much ball in midfield.

It certainly made a difference. At the back, Cliff pulled out a box of finely-rolled Havanas and the Back Three spent the rest of the game strolling around in their carpet slippers and puffing on Montecristos. The extra man in midfield gave us even more control and up front we were creating chances, but Phil (the new Alex) proved he had taken more than the old Alex’s name – he had also appropriated his banjo and his cow’s backside.

How he managed to get the second goal is a mystery. In truth, he should have had a hat-trick. Given his recent troublesome groin, El Tel was hoping to get in the full 90 minutes today, but he only managed 83 minutes. “Why’s that?” you ask. The answer lies in the fact that the ref took a whack on the bonce from a misplaced OS clearance. He’d been wearing dark glasses from the off – he looked blind, all that was missing was his white stick and guide dog – turned out he wasn’t blind, merely one-eyed as he gave them everything and us one measly decision – a foul throw.

Anyway, after the bonce-thumping episode he removed his glasses to inform us he’d recently had an iPod. “Why’s he telling us that? Maybe he’s a Roy Orbison afficiando (hence the dark tribute glasses) and he’s got such tracks as Pretty Woman and Only the Lonely on this iPod and that whack on the noggin has damaged his headphones’ thought El Tel, but it turned out he’d actually said he’d had an eye op. D’oh.

So with broken glasses hanging off his face a la Eric Morecombe he blew up with seven minutes remaining – enough time for Phil (the new Alex) to have missed another half-dozen chances.

© 2011 Kenchels FC, all rights reserved. For more information contact support@kenchels.com.