2009-10 Season

‘Chels guilty of a criminal performance

A policeman’s lot is generally not a happy one but there was at least one copper smiling after this shambolic Kenchels’ performance. Yes, our opposition included no less a figure than Chief Superintendent Knacker himself, who played a small but nonetheless entertaining part in our defeat. More of that later.

The game saw the return of one Matt Lowndes, director of football (retired), who fancied a runout before our tour to Malta in a few weeks. Stevie B, fresh back from an intensive anger management course, was promoted into midfield and KH Dave took up the left-back slot. The referee’s name was Dick. Nuff said.

We started freshly enough – or maybe it was just that the Venturers didn’t – and we had a few chances which we failed to convert.

After maybe 15 minutes or so, they won a corner which resulted in a goal line scramble, Craig being manhandled by the opposition and the ball slipping inelegantly into the net. Dick gave the goal despite our protests.

Not long after, an El Tel ‘Exxon Valdez’ moment out on the right allowed them to nick the ball and slot home again. Hands over eyes time.

At this point I asked Mike Vickery’s lad to award marks out of ten for his dad’s performance. ‘Er…two!’ he said, sobbing bitterly. He wasn’t alone though. Stevie B and El Presidente had an interesting moment in midfield when Stevie whipped the ball off EP’s toes, much to the latter’s irritation. Stevie’s subsequent and incisive pass out to the right for Mr Vickery caused some consternation and, indeed, merriment, on the touchline (See EP’s diagram.

So two-nil at half time. Mr Lowndes was delegated to do the half-time hair dryer. Stevie B, seething inside, managed a ‘Let’s keep it positive’ sotto voce, proof that the courses are having some sort of effect on his naturally exuberant style, if not on his skill level.

Matt’s hair dryer was on too cool a setting. We went out and promptly conceded a penalty when KH Dave leapt like a salmon to save a goalbound Venturers’ shot with his hands – clearly not realising that Craig was our ‘keeper. Three-nil and some kind of fightback was required.

We narrowed the gap when Alex went carving up the right again and crossed from a tight angle for the ball to go unexpectedly in off a couple of defenders and the keeper. Three-one

At the back we were under fairly intense pressure much of the time. They hit the bar at least once. Newbod put in a solid half too, breaking down numerous Venturers attacks. But it was Craig who emerged as Man of the Match, with three or four outstanding saves (and a bang on the head) that kept us in it during the second half.

Somewhere around this point Inspector Knacker, who’d had a quite game up to this point, got into a bit of a ankle-tapping fracas with the Mr ‘Foightin Oirish’ Murphy. ‘Do that again and I’ll knock you out,’ said Knacker with some venom. Talk about police brutality, eh? Anyway it was all settled amicably and even as I write, Mr Murphy is starting a sentence in the Scrubbs for failing to return those library books. And him a Freemason too, shame on that man.

If only we’d had Wiki QC on the pitch, he might have had some defence (Actually that would be a first for the ‘Chels).

Before he got whipped off to the waiting Black Maria, though, Mr M managed to dink a lovely ball for Alex to run onto and score our second. That was it and we’d run out of time.

As Oscar Wilde once said, football is all very well as a game for rough girls but it is hardly suitable for delicate boys, eh John?

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