2008-9 Season

Now that’s entertainment, DotCoco!

• Pictures from the game
• How Dotcoco done it
• A little mood music to get you started

All the world’s a stage – or in the Kenchels’ case, possibly a circus ring. We have our acrobats and jugglers, our strongmen, our tightrope walker (who else but Stevie B?), all masterfully shepherded by the top-hatted Ringmaster, EP. That’s all well and good but what the punters really like to see is a good clown, a bloke in silly boots who does the daftest things. You can guess, I am sure, where this is leading…

Now, my nose was a bit on the red side when I got up. And when I tried to put my trousers on, I put both feet in one leg and tumbled down the staircase. As I sat dazed and recovering, the wife tipped a bucket of water over my head and booted my posterior, bipping a brass car horn twice as she did so. Did she know something I didn’t?

Anyway I made it to the ground – amazingly since my bike seemed to have grown square wheels overnight and the handlebars kept falling off!

EP was back on our case after an extended Guinness tasting break in the old country. He immediately made his first – and only – astute move of the day. ‘Den, you’re on the bench first half.’

The show got off to a flying start in every sense. Our midfield included the very nippy Tias – who had the touchline Weirsiders moaning that he didn’t look over 35. They were concerned about the wrong person – for it was not Tias who was to put us ahead.

Our curtain-raiser came from a beautifully taken left-foot volley from Jake (working without a safety net) after EP teed him up with a deftly cushioned volley. This was followed not long after by an Alex header that looped up high into the roof of the Big Top, over the keeper and into the goal. Two-nil.

Weirside responded with a break down our right. We failed to close them and the guy put a low ball in for their striker to drill home from close range – Craig had no chance.

As the half continued, we became more dominant, with Tias and his Dad linking up well on the right with Alex and EP. We had most of the possession and Weirside were struggling to cope. They had one good shot on goal but the acrobatic Craig just tipped it over the bar.

What should have been the coup de grâce came from the boot of Tias, who from the edge of the penalty area drilled it low and hard into the left-hand corner. Three-one.

At half-time, we were cruising. EP pulled himself and Newbs off – now that really would be an interesting magic act – and decided to watch from the touchline as ‘Chels strolled home to victory. Instead what followed was a series of fantastic and zany comedy antics that the audience lapped up.

EP will tell you that everything went to pieces – the cohesion in midfield, the control, the inspiration bla, bla all evaporated the moment he went off. That’s not true. What really happened was that the some of us realised that the punters needed entertaining…and that is where I stepped in. It’s time for you to click this link while you read the next bit (turn the volume up).

My first slapstick moment came as I chased a Weirside winger out to the corner flag, tripping over my size 18 clown shoes as I went and roly-polying over the pitch. The earth tremor was felt as far away as Shoreditch, I am told.

I followed this up with my pièce de résistance, a comedy classic that will live forever in ‘Chels history. A Weirside break. I find myself in the left back position with time to spare, I have the ball covered, Craig is calling, tries to get round me to the ball (big mistake that one, lad) only for me to unwittingly punt the ball into the back of my own net.

I knew the act had gone down well because the touchline audience was speechless. As were the ‘Chels. You could have heard a pin drop. Stevie B didn’t say a word – that was the worst bit of all! And so dear reader, thanks to my fun-packed comedy routine, we were now in a strong position to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

We managed to hold on – but the dire second half performance continued with our passing all over the place. At least the audience got their money’s worth, I say. There was even a little bonus comedy afterwards when Tom B managed to lose his trousers by the side of the pitch.

There’d have been no problem finding my trousers – they were red with big braces attached and a hooped waist!

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