2008-9 Season

Bank (quantitatively) ease their way to victory

Another week, another manager. Last week, the legendary Guss Dotdink lead us to a stunning victory. This week, we found ourselves in the hands of another interim boss, the one and only Al-fa BeNewbtez. That’s the beautiful game for you. One minute you’re floating on air, the next you’re back hanging the kit up.

The boy Newbtez did his best but, let’s be honest, he’d lost the dressing room before he even started – in fact, it’s a miracle he even found it or the squad for that matter. He really should get satnav.

Fortunately, the rest of us were sharp as razors. Euan in particular had ensured the kit was greased – sorry, creased – in all the right places – as opposed to last time he washed it.

Stevie B was well pumped up – unlike the footballs, which I suspect he’d been moaning about all the way to the venue. It would have been a real pain for any passengers in the car with him – but fortunately Stevie carries no passengers, unlike in the team, where we do have at least one. Haha!

The BoE were pumped up too – but it was only the effects of quantitative easing and massive amounts of government cash which had swelled their midfield to heroic proportions. I say ‘most’ because their dimunitive Number 15 – a good 4ft 4ins on a good day was to prove a deflationary force as far as our aspirations went.

We kicked off on what was undoubtedly the hottest day of the year to date. Our passing was not so hot though and we struggled against a side who always manage to spread the ball about nicely. Our passes were underhit, overhit, misread and mis-hit. Maybe I should have left that last hyphen out.

As a supreme header of the ball myself, I couldn’t understand why the shortest bloke on the pitch was winning so much in the air. Tsk, tsk. Still, the new boss had played me right midfield so he clearly knew what he was doing.

Alex had one good chance early on but chances were few and far between for both sides. Bank had the better of possession but we were threatening on the break. At the other end, we were forced to defend very deep – and Ian D, Euan and co were deeply involved.

About 25 minutes in, I think, the Bank broke down the middle and stuck one past Dave G. It was a bit of a blow because we’d looked capable of holding them. Now we were on the back foot and they might have got a second had Ian not blocked it on the line.

That’s how the half ended. Al-fa Newbtez gave a teamtalk but nobody could understand him ‘cos he’s Scottish so I had to do subtitles. In the pandemonium that ensued, Newbtez managed to get himself and Tom B on the pitch to replace me and MKP, I think, who’d done his hammy. I reprised my role at right midfield shortly after, when Ian D – not to be out-Dunn, geddit – did his achilles.

The second half was a more even affair. The Bank were tiring and we had many more chances on goal – particularly from corners. But their 15 was very canny and seemed to have acres of room whenever he got the ball. At the other end, Dave G saved at least one certain goal at full stretch. It could have gone either way – another one for them, an equaliser for us.

Sadly, it was the Bank’s account that ended up in the black and we who found ourselves deflated.

Only three more games now before the Tour, boys – Lensbury, Holyport and Spelthorne.

© 2009 Kenchels FC, all rights reserved. For more information contact support@kenchels.com.