2008-9 Season

Two hat-tricks and a Gus-t appearance…

Today we not only slaughtered the poor, unsuspecting Teds but we witnessed the emergence of a new managerial powerhouse in the form of Gus DotDink, the interim managers’ interim manager.

We saw hat-tricks from both Jake and Alex and some fine performances almost everywhere else. We uncovered a stunning new number eight – well, anything would be stunning compared what we normally get by with. The only blot was the goal conceded late in the second half, more of which later. 

I was a fine-tuned machine as I strode into the changing room at 10am (note that EP!) and cooly pinned the teamsheet to the wall. But something was nagging me…what was it? Something was missing…Oh yeah, the kit and the balls? Ahhh – feck ‘em, who needs ‘em! 

I quickly won over the dressing room my no-nonsense, take-absolutely-no-responsibility approach. This is what management is about.

The team were solidly behind me – although I did detect a note of concern in Stevie B, who massively dissed the football pump I brought – personally, I though it was a great thing to get in a Christmas cracker. 

And so to the game.   It was a familiar Teds’ lineup albeit with one slight change – they had put Inch High Private Eye in goal. This was perhaps the fatal flaw in their selection. As far as we were concerned the only change was Ian Dunn in that No 8 shirt.

Even when he lost his contact lenses briefly in the first half, he was miles better than our usual choice (no names, no packdrill – wouldn’t want to embarass the lad. That’s how we managers have to think!) In fact, Ian should have loaned Alex his contact lenses – he could obviously have done with them given the sitters he missed in the second half. Ha ha.

Jake won the toss and we kicked off under a glorious blue spring sky with the sun behind us. The Teds started brightly enough but it quickly became apparent that (a) they couldn’t get past our defence and (b) they were struggling to hold us in midfield.

Our crossing of the ball – Stevie B, Alex, Euan and Jake – was excellent and we had a plethora of scoring chances. We could have been four or five up by half-time if we’d taken all our chances but as it turned out we had to wait about half-an-hour before Tias broke through and passed to Jake, who hit the ball low into the far corner. One-nil.

A second came soon after, this time Alex put Tias through to shoot. The keeper somehow got a finger to it – must have jumped up on someone’s shoulders surely –  and it bounced off the bar for Jake to side-foot in. Two-nil.

And so to half-time. Euan was desperate to know who I was going to pull off – but I like to keep the players guessing. The half-time pep talk centered on the need to keep doing what we’re doing and don’t fall asleep at the start of the second half. The game at this point was by no means won. 

We did not have too long to wait before we scored again. This time Alex pounced on an attempted backpass and put it away. Three-nil. That was the killer – at this point Ted heads began to dip.  I decided to take my biggest managerial gamble of the day. Yes, I brought myself on for Tommy T at right-back. Fortunately – and unlike my motorbike – it was a decision which did not backfire.

Our fourth came when Jake converted a penalty after Alex was brought down as he burst through on the right. The fifth was a Euan shot which the vertically-challenged keeper again just got a finger to. The goals were coming thick and fast now and Craig had little to trouble him.

The sixth came from Alex, dribbling merrily through the Teds’ ranks after a throw-in to slot home. The seventh, a great strike from Tias who burst through and shot as he was brought down. 

Stevie B – having a great game at the back – was urging us ever on and insisting on a clean sheet. Sadly t’was not to be. At seven-nil, a Teds’  cross from the right should have been easily headed away by MKP but he must have been wearing lead boots because it left him rooted to the spot, skimmed over his head to their forward who slotted an easy goal. 

So that was it. One of the Teds actually came up to me and – I kid you not – said: “Thanks for the lesson!”

So it was a perfect day in every way. Except for one terrible mistake I may have made. I asked for someone to do the kit (bet Gus doesn’t have to do this) and nobody volunteered. After a ten-minute silence someone pipes up:”I don’t mind doing it…but I’m banned.”

“Yeah, you’ll do Euan. Ta.”

Did I do wrong, boss?

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