2008-9 Season
Another flying lesson for the ‘Chels…
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Our last encounter with British Airways was not so much Club Class as clubbed class – we got hammered 11-one, conceding a record ten goals in the first half. This week, the Boss was hoping we could engineer a bit more legroom so we could teach those high-flyers a thing or two.
As it turned out, we crash-landed once again, albeit relatively gracefully and not on takeoff like last time. Chesley Sullenberger would have been very pleased – but of course he didn’t have Stevie B at the back doing the duty-free trolley.
As for the details, we had a sparkling bout of repartee from BA’s star striker, Trigger and his oppo; EP hobbling off with an unhappy hammy; Stevie B being taken out by a dreadful tackle and – oh, yes, a masterful demonstration of the art of ball control from El Tel, henceforth to be known as Exxon Valdez, for BA’s coup de grace.
EP had some simple tactics – well, what else would you expect? He was going to cram midfield, defend like hell and hope for a goal on the break. Yes, he is to football what Gary Kasparov is to bar billiards. His plan might have worked though. Indeed, we could have been two up 15 minutes in had we taken our early chances.
BA’s first goal came from a half-hearted attempt to clear our own lines that ended with a cross and an easy goal. The cast of culpables is too long even for my detailed match reports. But it should never have happened.
Their second came from a free kick that never should have been given. The pain was compounded by the fact that Trigger – or ‘feckin’ big Desperate Dan of a twat’ as EP remembers him – stood throughout on the line insisting he was not ‘interfering’ as the ball sailed in.
Their third came from a move on the right that we failed to close down. EP might have done better but was caught out by the shot which went straight in the corner. On another day, Dave G might have got to it.
Finally, the ball pinged out to Alex and he was through on goal. BA stopped briefly to appeal for offside but the flag stayed down and he raced through to score. Three-one and that’s how it stayed until half-time.
Subs on included meself, MKP – who’d done ten minutes of goalkeeping while we waited for Dave G to show up – and the legendary Tommy T. We came on for Tel, Pete and Chris (I think).
BA tired dramatically in the second half – possibly the pain of listening to Trigger moaning at them was beginning to have an impact. Dave G was forced to make a few really good saves, diving low to turn shots round or collect dangerous throughballs.
But at the other end, we had a brief period of intense period where we had at least eight or nine corners – several of which might have just gone in. Alex had one clear opportunity to square the ball for a certain goal…but you know the rest I am sure.
At the back, Jamie was having a great game which gave me time to tune in to Radio Trigger for a while. He wasn’t getting the service. His whole team were a bunch of kents and he wanted to explain this to them. One exchange went something like this, delivered at some volume from the center circle.
‘You’re a complete kent and you know you are’
‘Shutup Trigger’
‘If I come down there I’ll show you’re a kent when I remake your face.’
And so it went on. Trigger moaning, ‘Chels failing to score. Ep collapsed in a heap and had to go off with his hammy to be replaced by the Exxon Valdez which, within minutes, was attempting to dribble out of our half taking on one-two-three…nay, a dozen BAs. Clearly he must have seen a goal-scoring opportunity coming – sadly the opportunity was not ours but BA’s.
As the EV turned to starboard, it was robbed, crashed onto a divot, baby oil streaming in its wake (the only crude was emanating from Trigger’s gob)…and the BA’s broke through two on one, to finish us off with a fourth goal. The EV of course was still heading for the BA goal – they take a while to stop, those tankers.
In the dying moments of the game, one of their baggage handlers – clearly carrying quite a bit of emotional baggage after a bit of ankle tapping with Jamie and (I think) Stevie moments earlier – decided to break Stevie’s legs with a perfectly timed two-footed tackle. It was an ugly moment but he was an ugly fecker. Still at least he sort of apologised in the changing rooms afterwards.
He’s lucky. If he hadn’t apologised I think Stevie B might have done some cosmetic surgery on him in the car park. No anasthetic.
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