2008-9 Season
A winning formula sorts out Grafton…
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At times in football, as in life itself, things just don’t add up. On this bitterly cold and sleety day, even the mathematically astute EP couldn’t get his sums right – and that’s saying something for a man who ordinarily speaks fluent binary, hexadecimal and Kenchels’ statistics.
It was all Grafton’s fault. Half their squad (well, to be exact about 63.63 percent of them) had peeked out the window, seen West London swathed under 0.25mm of early Winter snow and selflessly turned 180 degrees under the duvet and went back to sleep.
Grafton’s remaining seven players needed help, so EP generously donated his three finest – myself, Euan and the indefatigable Sir Tommy Taw. So with 13 players in the original squad and three allocated to the opposition that meant we were now ten-a-side. Right? Wrong.
It wasn’t until some time after the game that EP realised, with exactly two pints of foaming ale to assist his calculations, that the ‘Chels had played 11 against Grafton’s ten. Whoops! So the formula for future ‘Chels successes may simply be 13-3=11. Or as EP himself might say 1101-11=1011.
If you’re brain hurts trying to work that out, you should have seen the confusion caused by CSSC’s decision to have us change in the squalid huts behind the Stadio di Chiswick about three miles from the main building (well, it felt like three miles in that wind).
Finding the changing rooms was hard enough but getting out of them proved even more difficult. Most of the ‘Chels realised 2.5 nano-seconds after venturing outside that it was too feckin’ cold – so crept back in to the warmth of the mini-bar next door to wait for the Graftonites to appear.
Eventually some sort of semblance of order was restored and we kicked off with EP reffing, playing and totally oblivious to the discrepancy in manpower – as indeed were all 20 of the other players.
Now at this point you may be expecting some sort of blow by blow account of the match but those of you familiar with my scribbling will know that is highly unlikely – this was after all, ten against 11. What I can give you but my own rambling recollections of the game’s highs and lows? No change there, I hear you cry.
Most spectators (apart from Stevie B’s dad) will undoubtedly remember the moment when I, as a Graftonite, totally outwitted Stevie B, who had decided to play left midfieldish to keep warm, and turned him inside out. However I won’t dwell on that. Nor will I dwell on the scintillating brilliance of fellow Graftonite Tommy T, or the fine goalscoring abilities of m’lud Euan of Temple Bar, also a temporary Graftonite.
By half-time the ‘Chels were 3-1 up (a mathematically symetrical game this – if not exactly a battle of equals). Grafton had a couple of good midfielders and defended fairly well given the scratch nature of their side. EP got the first (and his first of the season apparently) to open the scoring, followed by goals from Missus M and Jamie – whose piroutte and shot was worthy of a young Nuryev.
Grafton struggled to make chances and were fortunate when a shot on goal (from Euan, I think) took a flick from Wayne and left Craig with no chance. Somewhere around this point the heavens opened and sleety, horrible freezing stuff was absolutely chucking it down.
As we waited to kick-off for the second half, Craig decided the important thing was to keep dry and comfortable. So he wheeled out his Louis Vuitton luggage and tried to find himself an outfit. Should he go for the gold lamé number or that little decolleté black thing he wore last spring – decisions, decisions.
As you can imagine, this attracted some ire from Stevie B who would have got even more red-faced than usual had he not been blue with the cold (as indeed was Craig, especially wearing those Doris Day elbow-length gloves!).
Anyway back to the game. Grafton held on for a good 15 or 20 minutes before the ‘Chels rolled back on top with a goal that was clearly offside from the boy Mo, who put another legal one away not long after to make it 5-1. Grafton took consolation from a second goal when Euan broke down the right flank and scored a decent goal but the coup de grace came from Jake. The odds, to go back to the maths, had always been in the ‘Chels’ favour.
Back in the changing room afterwards, a fuming (and freezing) Craig wheeled his luggage in and launched into a ten-minute rant about Stevie B’s appalling ranting. Stevie B was so taken aback that he could only respond ‘kin’ hell, Craig, you’re whinging even more than I do after a game..’
Ten other ‘Chels looked did an immediate double-take, turned back to Stevie B and cried – in unison – ‘Oh no he isn’t!’
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2 comments for “A winning formula sorts out Grafton…”
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Dennis, me old fruit
NO WAY did Euan score…….the first Grafton goal was a delightful header by Wayneo and the second was from their number 2 who spent most of the game sliding around like Bambi on ice….did those boots have any studs?
You were obviously dazzled by your own pair of gleaming bananas, which by the way were cleaner after the game than when you first tried them on in the shop.
Tel is right there is no way Euan can claim a goal though he probably merited two assists.
Wayne unluckily headed in Euan’s low cross in the first half amd the number 2 cracked home the second having been set up by Euan taking advantage of a huge amount of space where our holidaying left back might have been.