2008-9 Season

Stage-struck ‘Chels in epic performance

As the great right-back of Avon once said, all the world’s a stage, and all the men and women in it merely players. This was, to say the least, an outstanding Kenchels performance – possibly even a theatrical one if Alex and Jake’s banter in the green room afterwards is anything to go by.

- ‘Oh Jake, you were s-o-o-o good in the second half, luvvy
- ‘No, no, Alex, you were so much better than wot I was, dahling.’

These two goalscoring heroes had certainly played important roles in our victory but  for me they will always be more Charles Haughtrey and Kenneth Williams than Olivier and Gielgud. Anyway, I must Carry On…gnarr, gnarr!

We certainly had a cast to be proud of for this epic production against a Teds side who found themselves with nine regulars out. They’d even had to go to central casting to get their goalkeeper, a novelty act called Elasto-Boy. More of him later.

And so the curtain rose and Kenchels were on the offensive, playing a really nice passing game. Even Mo managed a couple of one-two’s and that’s saying something. Our first goal came from a sudden break that saw Alex race through the middle almost unopposed to score. There were Ted appeals for offside but their linesman was adamant it wasn’t. One-nil.

There was a musical interlude shortly after when John Murphy pounced on a terrific through ball from EP and danced like Gene Kelly round a couple of defenders, then around Elasto-boy before scoring our second. Our third, also from Missus M, followed shortly after. Three-nil.

A change of tempo now. Jake was about to go center stage. He had put in a fine first-half performance as a tortured referee, capturing the simmering dualessence of the frustrated onlooker forced to make decisions in a meaningless world. Little did he know, his torture was only just beginning.

Enter stage-left our arch-villain, the rebel-without-a-clue that is Stevie B. The scene is set. A Kenchels attack flounders on the edge of their box amid Stevie B demands for a free-kick, meanwhile the Teds -playing rather sensibly to the whistle – carry on and find themselves one-on-one against Wayne at the other end and slot a nicely taken goal past Mr Goodheart.

Stevie B is incensed – imagine Pacino in Scarface, Pesci in Goodfellas and De Niro in the Godfather and you’ll get the idea. As the second half ends, he and Jake are subsumed into a heated exchange. Voices were raised. Epithets were deployed. EP (EmPresario) takes firm and decisive action. Exeunt both - Stevie to ref the second half – and Jake to reprise his role as an ethereal centre-forward struggling to come to terms with life on the edge of the box.

The second half was altogether less eventful. We scored fairly regularly and the Teds gave us little to worry about at the other end.

Jake got the fourth – pouncing on a poor clearance from Elasto-Boy – and he got the fifth too, linking up nicely with Alex, who cut the ball back in for him to slot home. The sixth came from Alex on the break and the seventh featured Elasto-Boy dropping the ball on the line, at Alex’s feet for him to score and complete a fine hat-trick.

Stevie B could now find himself typecast as a ref, putting in a stalwart performance as he watched the ‘Chels continue to romp around the Teds penalty area and not concede any goals (unlike when he was on the pitch!).

And so that was it, seven-one. The final curtain fell and the ‘Chels maintained their unbeaten run of four games. Encore, encore..bravo…bravo…

© 2008 Kenchels FC, all rights reserved. For more information contact support@kenchels.com.