2008-9 Season

Blues pay the price for hit and miss display

This game had everything – everything that is except a ‘Chels victory. We had umpteen chances to get the winner but profligacy in front of goal ultimately cost us the match.

Despite that this dank, drizzly 90 minutes in Wet Ewell was a veritable cornucopia of talking points and included:

• An outstanding first-half performance from the ‘Chels
• A refereeing masterclass by Pierluigi Newbybod
• A textbook demonstration of how not to defend against a free kick
• EP hitching up his shorts to stand in for Wayne in the second half

It was also an opportunity to unveil my dazzling new banana-yellow boots, direct from the bargain bucket at www.wesawyoucoming.com and product of my new sponsorship arrangement with Fyffe.

Judging from our second half display in front of goal, I suspect there’ll be a few more boot purchases this week among my team-mates – not to mention sponsorship opportunities with turnip importers. More of that later.

The first big mistake the Salesians made was not having a ref. The first big mistake we made was nominating Pierluigi to stand-in for him – still it could have been worse. It could have been me, haha!

And so we kicked off. Our secret weapon was the super-fast ‘Tias who turned their left-back inside out so many times that his shorts were back to front by full-time.

We played some really nice football – neat little one-twos, perfectly weighted through balls for Tias or Alex to pounce on and some excellent distribution from Mo in midfield. As the half went on, we grew in confidence.

We opened the scoring with a beautifully worked move that began with Mo in midfield, saw Tom B and ‘Tias link up on the right and ended with ‘Tias cutting the ball across the face of goal for Jake to tap in. Superb.

Ten minutes later, Craig was picking the ball out of the back of our net – the Salesians having broken through and scored a goal which was a mile offside. Pierluigi, the strong-but-silent referee, appeared to have swallowed his pea and the goal was allowed to stand. Bummer.

At half-time, EP issued sunglasses to the entire team and I was allowed to come on at right back. We started well enough but seemed to have lost our touch in front of goal. The ball was pinging across the area, being fired over or straight at the keeper. If you ask me, we could all have done with wearing luminous boots – at least then we might have found feet.

In defence Wayne, totally dazzled by my footwork on the right, had to come off. A bit of jiggery-pokery in the lineup followed, with EP stepping into Wayne’s shorts as it were at centreback. He’d obviously got fully into the part because within two minutes of coming on he’d run right through one of their forwards.

Not long after that, EP was struck by the ball just outside the box and Pierluigi – just for fun – awarded a free kick for handball. Even the Salesians were surprised. The resulting four-man wall looked solid enough but just like the Maginot Line, it was in the wrong place.

The Salesian shot went through the gap leaving Craig no chance and putting us two-one down.

A slack period followed with the ‘Chels struggling to string passes together, missing numerous chances, lumping it, hoofing it and generally being useless. In defence, we came under increasing pressure and conceded a series of corners.

I got the distinct impression EP was turning into a clone of Wayne – he was even mumbling under his breath. If he’d said ‘It’s a team game, son’ or ‘too many attackers, not enough defenders’ I wouldn’t have batted an eyelid. The waistband of his shorts was creeping stealthily up his midriff.

A little later a Salesian attack down our left ended in controversy when El Tel barged or body-checked (depending on your point of view) their bloke off the ball just inside our area. Appeals for a penalty fell on the deaf ears of Pierluigi however and now it was the Salesians’ turn to curse their absent ref.

In almost the same breath, and with the Salesians still gobsmacked, we broke away at the other end and Jake slotted the equaliser with about 15 minutes to go.

The remainder of the game was unremarkable. There were a couple of scoring chances but there was no way we were going to take them – ‘Tias even missed a one-on-one with the keeper towards the end.

At last Pierluigi blew the whistle. Both teams had to concede it was a fair result, although the ref  – admittedly working without a safety net or linesmen – had done his best to swing it for the Salesians.

On the positive side, our unbeaten ‘run’ is now extended to two games on the trot without the boy Stevie B, currently undergoing therapy on a golfcourse in the Algarve as a consequence of (a) our victory against the Bank in his absence and (b) the sorry saga that is Tottenham Hotspurs at the mo, innit.

Anyway, next week it’s Brentham. Toodlepip.

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