2005-6 Season

Kenchels FC 5 Japanese XI 2

Match report by El Presidente
It was a bad game for Stevie B and light-back dotDen to miss.  The Chels fielded an unfamiliar line-up, with Brimah “The Thighs” Kebbie at right-back and Luis “The Smiler” Vazquez at left central midfield.  And, boy, did those boys excel!  It’s hard to see a way back into the side for the portly pair of absentees.

Stevie B was sitting on his settee at home nursing his sore calf (and his dad was sitting on the adjacent settee watching him), whilst dotDen was frozen to the spot in some inane Tai-Chi pose (not a lot different from how he spends most Sunday mornings really). So they missed a great game.

Billed as “Royal Mail Vets vs The Japaneeds” (what was that about on the blackboard!), this was the third clash this season for these now old sparring partners. Well, at least we’re old. They’re still average age 23-and-a-half and never seem to get any older. We turned up with 13. They turned up with so many that they could have had a full game between themselves…and probably wished they had done.

Craig “The Cat” Belsham was a late arrival so the game kicked off with old faithful Tommy “Trautmann” Taw in goal for the first 15 minutes. An unfamiliar back line of Brimah, Jamie “Slimline” Rentoul and Wayne sat resolutely (but not as stoutly as usual) behind Mr Newbod, playing the Makele role.

Tom Brad, Mrs Murph, Luis and Paul “Marrow-dinner” Greengrass provided the midfield versatility to complement the rapier forward line of Alex “Silver Boots” Kirwan and your very own El Presidente.

And it wasn’t long before the swift attacking of the Chels paid dividends.  A Japanese incursion into our penalty area was swiftly cleared up the right touchline by Tom B. Alex pushed and ran, and EP picked up the ball, encouraging Alex to continue his run, and then threaded the ball into Alex’s path for him to chip the keeper. One-nil.

Continued pressure from the Chels brought other chances, with EP lofting one over the bar and Alex being pulled back for a couple of close off-sides when through on the keeper. But against the run of play, the Japanese found themselves with extra men in our penalty area and, when a good blocking challenge from Jamie ricocheted to a free Japanese on our penalty spot, Craig was left with no chance. One-all.

The Japanese rallied on the back of their equaliser and ran out the stronger side for the rest of the half and looked more likely to prevail.

But EP’s rallying half-time team-talk (“And when the feck are you going to get your hair cut, Greengrass?”), some crucial substitutions and some key positional changes were to have a major influence on the second half.  Yes, it wasn’t long before we were two-one down!

Terry “The Rug” Bellamy came on at fullback, allowing Brimah to move up into midfield.  Luis was replaced by Tom “The Footballing Member of the Family” Greengrass and Newbod’s Makele role was taken up by Tom “Ukele” Taw (who had, in fact, replaced Newbod shortly before half-time when he cried “Ahhh!” and went off hamstrung).  Greengrass the Elder went off to get his hair cut so Tom Brad switched flanks to fill his role.

The half-time team-talk made an impression and immediately Tommy G was getting his tackles in, not giving the opposition time to settle on the ball. The Chels started to get hold of the game, midfield winning the ball and setting the front two free with diagonal passes and balls over the top. Chances started to come again.

But then calamity! An injudicious square pass just inside our half (no names, no pack drill, Tom G) was picked up by a sprightly (Ed: see – I avoided the obvious one) Japanese attacker, who raced through and slotted their second past Craig.  Against the run of play but two-one down nevertheless.

But were the Chels daunted? Well, yes…for a bit anyway. Japanese tails were up and they broke through on their left to create another chance, crashing a shot off the outside of the post. This was probably the first turning point.

EP then chased down a lofted ball that was falling to their left back, robbed him and set up Brimah, who drove through the gap towards goal and finished smartly to notch our equaliser. Two-all.

Now our tails were up. More chances started to come and eventually we won a penalty when one of the opposition handballed in the area. Alex was given penalty duties but failed to convert, his shot too central and at a nice height for the keeper.  The ball cannoned out for a corner.

Tom G whipped the corner in but it was dropping short of the near post and looked as if it was spinning out for a goal-kick. EP tried to keep it alive and got a bid of head and a lot of shoulder on it, and the ball shot through into the net at the tightest of angles. Three-two to us and huge relief for Alex so soon after the penalty.

Now we really started to command the game.  We created several more chances, particularly setting up Tom G, who should have shot on three or four occasions, and Tom B, who should have shot earlier on three or four occasions.  But the goal didn’t come and we desperately wanted that two-goal cushion.

Then we won another corner and Alex went over to take it. Unusually he didn’t do his ‘two arm salute’ signal so most of us didn’t know where to stand or which way to face. Fortunately, new boy Jamie was unaware of Alex’s familiarity with the Forrest Gump Book of Football Signals and so was on hand to outjump the 4’2” Japanese guy who was marking him and head home our fourth. Four-two, lovely!

It remained for us to rub it in. We did, with a little bit of showboating, the attack-minded Terry supporting Brimah up the right and sliding a ball into the box for EP to dummy and step over, leaving Alex to drill it home for number five. And that’s where it ended. Five-two and a job well done.

With a goal and three assists, and an energetic ball-winning and ball-holding performance, there is a clear Man of the Match visible in this report, but the author is too modest to go any further on this line.

There were, in truth, excellent performances from everybody on the pitch (except for Terry “The Ref” Bellamy” in the first half, who denied Alex a goal with his hasty blast of the whistle for a foul), particularly Tom G in the second half and a very cultured Jamie throughout.

But the key fact arising from the result is, of course, that our dire losing streak of recent weeks has finally been halted.  It feels good, doesn’t it, Steve/Den?

© 2006 Kenchels FC, all rights reserved. For more information contact support@kenchels.com.