2005-6 Season
Ditton Vets 0 Kenchels FC 2
A Sad Old Ditt writes
Hardly a clash of titans this. Ditton, who showed up with ten men, are probably the fastest – sorry – fattest team we’ve played this season. Kenchels should have put at least eight goals away against them but didn’t. Why? Read on…
To even things up, I opted to play in the Ditton green and white (if it’s good enough for Keano, then it’s good enough for me). As the teams lined up for kickoff, it seemed to me that our end of the pitch was sinking under the weight.
The pattern of the first half was simple. Kenchels attacked our goal, we kicked the ball away, they attacked our goal…you get the picture? It was inevitable a goal would come and sure enough Alex broke through and chipped the keeper (well, I think that’s how he did it). Offside!, screamed we Ditts and looked to the ref – only to find him otherwise engaged, literally.
Ref Perluigi Callan-a was on his mobile sorting out important stuff, understandably so since he had just become the proud father of a new baby girl. Ditton showed their compassionate nature however and shrugged off the goal as just one of those things…not.
Their skipper positively exploded when EP pointed out that whinging about the ref when they’d shown up with ten men was not really on and there was a brief push and tug in the centre circle – a ‘hold me back, hold me back’ sort of moment.
A second goal came fairly soon afterwards from the boot of Euan and at this point, Ditton were struggling. We scarcely got into the Kenchels half and, when we did, ended up thumping the ball into the middle distance.
As the second half kicked off, Kenchels should have been cruising and slotting goals away with monotonous regularity. However, without wishing to be unfair, the entire team seemed to be afflicted with a banjo-barndoor-itis – most notably Alex.
My lasting memory is of one beautiful Alex miss (well, I was on the other side) when Jake was square on with an open goal in front of him. Alex put his shot into the tree. Robin was irate.
‘Can’t you hear the shout, can’t you hear us shouting yer…?’
‘Sorry boss – didn’t hear it’
‘Didn’t hear it? You could hear it in ****ing Twickenham!’
All I can say, it was a good job Alex didn’t deliver Gav’s baby – it’d have ended up in a different postcode.
And so the game went on, with Kenchels missing every decent opportunity, Ditton clearing anarchically. The only highlight – for me anyway – was a delightful move out on the right that saw me put the ball around a sleepy Gavin’s right side, run round his left and almost get a shot off. If only I’d scored! (Chance would be a fine thing, yeah yeah yeah).
Craig was untroubled mostly – although he pulled off two decent saves, flipping one over the bar and another around the post.
Anyway, I’ve got work to do. That’s about it.
The lineup: Craig, Tel, Wayne, Chris, GB, Euan, Robin, John Murphy, Tom B, Jake, Alex. Gavin reffed first half, played second; Tel reffed second.
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