2005-6 Season
Kenchels FC 0 Popes Grove 0
With Stevie B off on an anger management course and Jake painting and decorating somewhere east of Dagenham, the ‘Chels went into this game a little under-strength. We even had to play Arif up front, so that’s telling you something.
It turned out to be a tight little encounter, the sort of game that we could have just nicked if we hadn’t been complete bozos. Of course, I did my personal best to ensure that was exactly how we played. Also, I wasn’t alone.
I knew things were going to be difficult when from the kickoff. A tactically inept Kevin Gallan laid me off a simple ball to push up the line. I held it. I thought about it. I held it, I thought about it…then I passed it limp-wristedly across our goal to Wayne, 200 yards away on the other side of the pitch (Pedants note: I may be exaggerating the distances involved).
Fortunately, His Wayneness was a little more switched on than me and tracked back brilliantly to stop the intercepting Pope from taking a lead. But my faux pas was the leitmotif that ran through this clash of titans (Ok, enough already).
Next comedy installment at the back was Terry’s attempt to be a turning, twisting Roberto Carlos at the back and failing with some aplomb. After these modest hiccups, we managed to get our act together, sort of.
Enough of negativity. We were winning corners and they weren’t. It should have been a matter of time but we managed to avoid the inevitable quite nicely. Defensively, to say were inept would be to devalue the very concept of ineptness (Wayne excepted, it must be said).
Still, we had some high points. In no particular order – as always – there was an Arif header from three yards out that went into row Z. Gavin was also very proud of hitting the post with one particular shot – why?
Ukelele, aka Tom Taw, had once again been called to play between the sticks. A solid performance was set off by one particularly magnificent save from a free kick, when Uke flipped the ball just around the post after Popes got it over the wall.
Then there was the excitement at the other end. Alex put the ball in to Kev, who headed it cleanly into the net. But hang on, their linesman is flagging! Oh no he isn’t! The ref has ignored him! Oh no he hasn’t! T’was pantomime season come early, methinks. Anyway, goal disallowed etc etc.
What we really needed was a little steel in midfield. Where was Stevie B when you needed him? No, only joking.
Half-time saw a mildly fuming EP throwing coffee cups around, prodding people in the nose, berating El Tel, kicking Arif’s bad leg (obviously) and wishing Stevie B were here. We lost all respect for the man when he finished with the classic line, "Class dismissed."
I’d like to say we played better in the second half but as a team we didn’t really manage it. EP took himself off again, along with Newbione but we couldn’t put chances away – even with those two off the pitch!
Defence however was another story. We were much tighter at the back. Maybe it was EP’s half-time thunder, but Terry was now playing a blinder at left-back. Wayne was brilliant and I was…well…tubby. Perhaps the magic touch at halftime was bringing the boy Greengrass on, who couldn’t put a foot wrong on the left-hand side. He was in there mixing it all right – slide tackling, precision passing. And let’s not talk about the pace…
Elsewhere, there was one illuminating moment when Arif managed to ping-pong a perfectly directed ball off his head into no man’s land. "Arif, you blockhead," screamed an indignant EP from the touchline.
Moments later, one of the Popes managed to kick Arif in the bonce. There was a very dull thud and the poor Pope took six splinters in his right foot as a consequence. Proof, if ever proof was needed, of EP’s all-seeing insight into the modern game and his outstanding knowledge of woodwork.
As the game continued, Popes put us under the cosh a wee bit but couldn’t press it home, despite a string of corners and a couple of free kicks.
At the end of the day, like the titans we are, we fought each other to a standstill. No shame, no disgrace and at least we kept a clean sheet, Stevie B!
The lineup: Ukelele, Tel, Wayne, Den, Newbione, John, Kev, Robin, Euan, Alex, Arif. Subs: Tom B, Greengrazza for EP, Newbione.
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